


Arctic Explorations

by Nocturnal_Daydreams



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Caleb Widogast Deserves Nice Things, Cold, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Mutual Pining, Oblivious Caleb Widogast, Oblivious Jester Lavorre, Pining Caleb Widogast, Pining Jester Lavorre, only a little angst
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-05
Updated: 2020-12-17
Packaged: 2021-03-08 21:28:09
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,097
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27403522
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nocturnal_Daydreams/pseuds/Nocturnal_Daydreams
Summary: On a mission through the cold there is little else to do besides be cold, walk and think - that's what Caleb's found - but his thoughts never stray far from the blueberry he's uselessly in love with. Maybe, possibly, it's a sign he should do something about it.Spoilers up to current episode
Relationships: Jester Lavorre/Caleb Widogast
Kudos: 48





	1. Cold Hands, Warm Hearts

**Author's Note:**

> Spoilers up until 1x114 - a prominent 114 spoiler so be warned

The day was freezing, ice forming on all the hair available to the wind, Fjord’s growing tusks were sensitive to the weather here and they were lucky in one of the bags was a scarf. Caduceus and Jester gave him some light pokes for how he gone and just picked a coat. It had tickled them all but they kept on. The amber felt heavier which kept him from getting too caught up in any behaviour, he hadn’t liked the woman and knowing things she had done and lied about he didn’t care of her demise but something about in the necklace reminded him of other things in the wrong way.

“Caleb, stop lagging behind, if we can’t see you you’ll die out here! Then we’ll all freeze to death.” Jester’s voice was quickly preceding her face then without so much as a word of warning her mittened hand grabbed his and dragged him along to eye sight of the others. He had only fallen back a moment but there was relief on everyone’s faces, even Beau who rolled her eyes at him.

“Come on, Widogast, into the hotpocket.” Fjord laughed giving him a light push forward. Caleb was about to object but he was in the middle of the hotpocket of Mighty Nein forming around him – even more, Jester hadn’t let go of his hand. Her grip squeezed a moment and he looked up to see Jester looking straight into his eyes. He hoped that the cold induced red hid the blush that arose to her intense eye contact.

“Cay-leb, is it the necklace?” She asked. For a second, all he could do was blink at her. Of course she was quick to it; she seemed to know his world at a glance which was as scary as it was reassuring.

“Ja.” He finally mustered but made a point to focus on attempting to keep up pace.

“I’ll take it, if you want?” She offered, almost softer, not wanting to scare him away.

It was then that it caught Veth’s attention, who instinctively turned, “Oh, I’ll take it! I’d be happy to.”

There was no saying more than that right now in their present company but everyone in the Nein realised why – Veth was little less than bouncing on her heels that the terrible woman was vacant of life for great reasons and held out her hand as she walked. With a smile he dropped his hand from Jester’s and took off the necklace handing it to her. Veth gave another smile with her thanks, the smile did not say thanks, it said ‘I saw that’. Then immediately turned back around their focus onwards.

Jester’s hand and smile dropped, a new smile replacing the other quickly – softer and sadder this time but her eye caught the shimmering horizon as they finally walked above the fog and any other feelings were given way to awe. There was something about the world that truly awed her, how it was so wonderfully beautiful even it’s most lifeless or most dangerous. There were so many snowmen they could make when they stopped for the night. 

They all stopped a moment as Dagen pretended to check his map. He knew these hills like the back of his hand, they knew that but he needed an excuse to let them all, himself included, take in the beauty that kept him in this wonderful wasteland. Jester was about to wonder if she had enough time to make a snow angel when they had instinctively huddled loosely for warmth, Caleb’s elbow caught her arm and she looked at him to see a smile on his face and flames in his hands, rubbing his hands clasped together, his eyes caught hers and the smile widened just a smidge, it was her time to just blink – for a moment the world was only his face, only his smile and she shrugged it off. Caleb was just like that sometimes, pretty much always had been. She rubbed her mittens together and stuck a tongue out at him, then feeling the cold on her teeth and tongue quickly retracted it, her eyes narrowing at him in a light-hearted judging. His eyes dropped and shoulders shook a bit and though it was nothing but a quiet unsteady breath from his nose she knew he was laughing. She was brimming with pride. It had only taken seconds but she felt like it had been minutes in this moment.

Everyone was caught up in their own little moments to notice, she liked that sometimes, only sometimes but now was included in those times. Just as Dagen encouraged them to keep moving Caleb had subtly tried to take her hand once more. She was already moving though, it would take an inch or two back to take it, she could feel it close to her. But she couldn’t. She couldn’t constantly be the one reaching out, he had wanted to take it back in a moment he wouldn’t be caught, constantly torn between thinking he’d never deserve happiness and striving to be deserving of it. That had been leaps and bounds from before but it was the place of most problems, he would take happiness but emotionally batter himself for it – it shattered something in her soul that he didn’t think they noticed and they couldn’t fix it. Even if it was scary, so scary if he could reach she’d grab it and smile to keep him from worrying too much, and she’d try not to think on how she knew it wasn’t the flames that made her warm. Crunches of snow continued but one set were a little faster, she dare not think it though, probably Veth finished adjusting her adorable antler earmu…A warm, human hand grabbed hers, arm behind outstretched – obvious – and a few more crunches as Jester turned her head just a little to see Caleb, not worried but happy, hand toasty, catching up, hand in mitten. The smile that won her face stretched across it with joy, another cold lesson learnt as her teeth took the brunt of the air.

“Hey, hotpockets are supposed to be in the middle! Stop rushing, Jester!” Beau tutted at her, Jester about to come back with a comeback when she realised she didn’t have one, so laughed at her silliness. Been so lost in her own world she hadn’t realised she’d hurried on forward, the rest of them caught up quickly and they were on their way.

Caleb was at ease and panicking simultaneously. He’d made it obvious he wanted to hold her hand, but she also wanted to hold his. What was that? Was it reassurance, she looped through the others a lot, sometimes other things was it her way of physically showing she was there for all of them, he was fine with that but what if…the thing he daren’t dream was true was in fact true. He couldn’t get his head round what he would do then. What if she loved him like he loved her, what then? It would be so much more than having to fight with whether he deserved happiness, he had been working on getting better at that.

It would be that someone extraordinary deserved to be the love of the beacon that is Frau Jester Lavorre. 

However, more than anything in the world he trusted Jester, so incredibly smart – reckless, yes, but strong and intelligent and while naïve when they first met always had and will be fully capable of making her own decisions. So if she chose him, who was he to tell her no, that she was wrong and he wouldn’t allow it? He hadn’t the heart to do it with her wonderful plans, always building off of them as they were always solid, how on earth would he do it with her wonderful heart? What if she was waiting on him to be ready? She couldn’t and wouldn’t wait a lifetime and it was impolite to keep someone waiting but if he was wrong he’d ruin everything. If he was right, she knew him well enough to not know others hearts well, that they would have to step slowly to one another, like a waltz of affections, like they had been doing unintentionally ever since they had properly got to know each other. Like they had done a lot recently that he’d reasoned down to his adoration of her, her natural goodness and his natural need to help his friends. He’d wondered deep in his heart if she was trying to let him know in her way while work feelings out for herself - for as she was an expert in the way of knowing others she still hadn’t known much of affections shown outside the Chateau first. He’d thought he was fooling himself recently but the smile and mischief in her eyes as she brushed the thumb of the mitten against his hand it made perfect sense.

He decided that he would keep his eye out for it and try to step to the plate like she did, let her know in his way but in steps, like her. Until he got enough of an idea to take a leap of faith. If he was right, he would try trust her judgement and love her as she should be loved; if he was wrong before his leap she would know at least how appreciated and loved she is by all of them, a thing she deserved to know; if he was wrong after his leap, there was no one in the world he would rather break his heart than her.

It was scary, terrifying even, but he could do it. He would do it. He’d brave it all. Including the mountain cliff side that it was becoming obvious they would have to climb. It looked more than a little icy and they hadn’t brought that type of equipment he didn’t think. Jester’s hand went lax in worry, he squeezed it back, rubbing his fingers against the back of her hand. Her eyes darted to his immediately, wondering, so his eyes caught hers - only for a moment. He bit a smile back and looking at the cliff instead he leaned enough just to whisper to her.

“Come on, blueberry, I’ll race you to the top.”


	2. Bedtime Conversations

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quick note: Spoilers for 115

The first test of him attempting to put himself out there came as a knock on the door and the hesitation as she told him she just wanted to read the book. The slightest, the smallest hesitation, that was enough to skyrocket his heart rate and his mind to scream to take a step, like she had to his door.

“You would like to read it by yourself?”

Hesitation again, much larger, significantly so as she stammered something. This blue form of bouncing energy just stammered and he didn’t. It gave him the confidence to ask with the ghost of a smile on his face if she would like him to read it to her.

She accepted although seemed worried about how long it would take. She didn’t want to infringe - like she could after she commandeered his heart. He led her in and his stomach dropped to the floor as she mentioned the plainness of his room. It was true of course, allowing himself to feel happiness was one thing but the elation of giving himself the place he’d dreamed of – he was far from deserving that. However, under Yasha’s instructions it was also something he was working on as somehow that woman noticed everything. This included how he never showed them his room. It wasn’t why they were here right now though and it wouldn’t do to start that conversation with the ever giver of kindness, so he pushed through a comment about effort and sat on the couch where she quickly followed.

With the book in his hands he didn’t really talk about anything else before starting, there was a reason these books were prominent to the tower after all. This story spoke to his soul and, if he was any judge of character, it would to Jester, too. The words spilled effortlessly and graciously out, he didn’t need the book to tell the story but she would love the pictures and she could help him if he got stuck translating a word. She curled up next to him and darted her eyes from the words to the pictures to his face. He commented on little sections and her face lit up, although he could see the worry on her face. She worried it would be a sad ending Zemnian fairytale. It made him wonder if she had been paying attention to them but even he was too lost in the book to think too deeply on it. He couldn’t help but keep her in suspense a moment as he was about to turn the page and the way her face shined brighter than before when she realised it wasn’t a sad story, would be a thing he’d commit to memory for the rest of his silly little days.

He had always thought the story was too short by far as a boy, wanting to read it forever and ever. That feeling was the same now as the story drew to a close and the boy danced home to his mother.

Jester breathed out slowly, pleased, as if all worries were away because she had read and been read this little fairytale and were he a braver man he would ask to kiss her but he was more than pleased, more than happy to just watch her be content. They talked a little, he gave her back the book as she wished and bid her a good night. He slept thinking on those moments, his sleep actually peaceful.

-

It was still in his mind as he read some old Zemnian to Yetis as they began to sleep. A sentence he never would have dared to think up. This one was boring even by his standards, the language just faltered and fractured enough to take some real concentration to stick to. Which was hard to do as the only person awake and keeping him company right now, was Jester. Her blinks had slowed as he had spoken common and Zemnian but now he was beginning to stop she seemed more awake and flashed him a smile. Of course it was like the Nein to end up doing something like this, with Yetis no less. Worse things happen at war though he supposed, closing the book. He turned to still see her there. He had expected half falling asleep she would have got up and made her way to her room but she hadn’t made a single movement besides being more awake. This meant something great was about to surprise him or something terrible was about to happen and the slither of hesitancy on her face was giving away the latter.

“Caleb, the other day…”

“Yeah?” ...Did she mean the story? Or the cold? Maybe he should have made the dome.

“You know, I’m not her… right?”

Okay, now he was definitely confused, “What?”

“When we thought we had to climb. ‘Race you to the top.’ She said it too. I’m not Astrid, I can’t be.” She was smiling as she explained it, as if she thought he’d been drunk but known she hadn’t. There was hurt in her eyes though. Realising how it was the same sentence, it wasn’t a surprise. Snores grew louder and took their attention a moment.

“No, no. Nein. I must explain. Will you take my arm?” He propped out an elbow, he wasn’t going to walk or float anywhere she wasn’t going right now. After a moment's hesitation he felt her hand on his arm.

She wasn’t sure she wanted to talk about this, she had put it off for a while and reasoned she just need explain and that would be the end. This extended onwards made her feel ill with nerves. She didn’t catch what he said as they glided.

“What?”

“May we go to your living room?”

“It’s your tower, Caleb.”

“It’s your place, Jester. I will not enter without permission, we may go to mine if you please, I just spotted Caduceus in the Salon and I would like privacy to explain a moment.” He said, softly so even if anyone had been near only she would here.

“Yes, Caleb. We may go to living room, you have my permission to enter my rooms as you please.” She replied, rolling her eyes, not sure if she had spotted a blush but he always did seem to blush.

In they entered and he sat her on the couch and squatted eye level with her. He was not the keenest on eye contact, he thought this much more serious than she had expected.

“I…Jester, did I ever tell you that as a student I was rather charming?” Caleb started and Jester let out a small laugh and shook her head, “No, I didn’t think so. On missions I was charming to those I disliked. I was told a handful of times I was good at it. But the common thing was I did not like them and so behaved in a way expected if you did.”

He sighed, he could take a leap of faith now but this wasn’t heartbreak without his affections – he knew and it was rather selfish to take the moment for himself – so he wouldn’t.

“What do you mean, Cay-leb?” Jester asked, taking his hand, a little worried and he realised he’d been quiet.

He took her encouragement to continue, “I found the more I liked people; my childhood friends, Astrid, when she had been my girlfriend, people I met along the way, the Mighty Nein, you; the more I like you people the less deliberately charming I can be. I find myself, this ridiculous blushing mess that you all know and I work with the first thing my brain may grab.”

Jester’s concern and pain gave way to kind understanding, “That’s okay.”

“Ahh, but it is not, blueberry, it is not if I hurt your feelings or added on to the idea that in any way you need to be like someone else to be the perfect you. I want you to know that I am sorry, terribly so, that I did.”

Jester’s face went slack. He knew. How did he know? “How do you know?”

“You’ve given hints, breadcrumbs, if you will. I had been picking up on it but I wasn’t sure it was something you would take being approached without being defensive.”

“That’s rich.” She tsked him.

“Touché.” He responded, the word sounding amusingly odd in his accent, “However, now I did something so silly as to add to it, I must give you it. The truth. You are wonderful, you are everything you have ever needed to be, not Astrid, not your mother, not me, not Fjord, not even The Traveller can make you more you than you are. A lot of people are loved and I'm sure they are deserving of it but you are the most beloved person I know and deserve every ounce. You do know that, right?”

“Are you secretly in love with me?” The mischief of the old question reflected in her eyes as she deflected his question.

“Jester, don’t deflect my question. You know that, right?” Caleb deflected back and was glad when she didn’t notice but had instead played with his hands in hers before she answered, for once being the one not giving him eye contact.

“Sort of…” She answered. He squeezed her hands gently and she looked up, for once an entirely open book.

“That is a damn shame because you should know and I’ve no doubt that it us that have been letting you down and not your fault you are not able to feel that love.” He reasoned and when she looked as if she was about to defend them all he shook his head, “I know you find it hard sometimes but I am glad you have began to trust us with your negative feelings so tell me, truthfully, are there things we could do to show you how much of a wonder we think you are? Are there things I could do to show you that?”

She blinked a couple of moments and looked at their hands. A few seconds before she spoke he could see she was working up to a yes but waited all the same. She uttered, “Yes, only sometimes. I don’t mean to feel that I would be better if I were one of the women we’ve known but, I just, do sometimes. It would help to know you prefer me to be me.”

Everything Caleb had said had taken a lot out of him, he couldn’t possibly process that you as a singular you without yelling how much he adored her in the safety of the ninth floor but he didn’t want to taint this night going there. Plural you for the Nein, it was obvious and it was all he would take. Yet still he spoke of singular, “Of course you are you perfectly. The group will help where they can in a time of need, although maybe I won’t tell them all of this and I will work on letting you know that it’s you I’m thinking of.”

It tied back to the original hinge of the conversation and it wasn’t until they would be outside an ambush the next day he would realise what he had said. Better yet Jester didn’t seem to notice the singular either. She grinned and nodded, much more pleased with where this conversation had gone.

“Really good we didn’t need to climb that though, right? How stupid are we to forget gear?” She enthused, happily dunking on their lack of forethought.

“We were already stupid. Dagen’s the only one who brought gear for lifting himself.” He let go of her hands and sat beside her, body language lazily aimed towards one another as they sat.

“Ahh, but he wouldn’t leave us at the bottom of a mountain.”

“After the trouble we have caused for him it would only be because we haven’t settled full payment.”

That set them into a jokey chat where he told Jester about the hot chocolate marshmallows him and Veth had but that was eventually stifled by half asleep yawns from each other. For the second time in two nights they bid another good night and another day passed where Caleb went straight to bed and, even more ridiculous, straight to sleep.

-

It came back to him as Fjord and him walked towards the entrance that maybe, possibly, she meant his singular opinion and he quite possibly told her he was thinking of her only her. He only thought on it because as he looked back at Jester with tears in her eyes about the prospect of it not being really Molly, it was straight into his eyes she was looking. A plea in them asking him to tell her to be braver. To just do something. He mouthed to her, “It's okay. You decide.”

She faltered a little, then gave a nod, walked up and leaned on Yasha through her tears, who instinctually wrapped her arm around her, tears breaking through her lids too.

Their eyes caught once more as he stepped in and he gave her a look that he wished would show that he meant he was glad that she had decided even when she had worried. A weak smile through her ongoing tears showed at least some of it did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was going to wait another day before I posted this but I'm keeping my focus on NaNoWriMo so anything that gets finished gets uploaded immediately, I wasn't sure about jumping between moments but I liked how it turned out so we're going with the vibes. Hope you enjoy!  
> Amendment - I should have kept it another day because I was too tired to edit, re-edit done now.


	3. To Ask Oneself

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Spoilers for 117

Caleb felt himself form into a giant spider and the joy as he rippled into a mask of animal enjoyment. There was a buzz when he was polymorphed that was inaccessible as a human. The freedom to feel joy in the little things. He knew some people did and by the powers he was trying but his cheat code to allowing himself that was in all the forms.

Jester jumped atop him and gave him a large hug…it was possible she was just holding on but that was fine. He was on top of the world. He gave a few little clicks and watched through his many eyes, looking as back as he could to see her scrunch her face into a laugh. 

Oh yes, they were still talking. He would be taking up Jester that enough was clear, just now to sort the rest. He prepared himself to the wall, ready to race them all up to the top. 

Then Fjord asked, “How many people can you fit, Caleb?”

His head turned back and a few at a time all his eyes blinked as he thought. He was wondering when he saw Jester turn to Fjord too and an idea formed, he gave an indicator with a leg to come over as he grasped the back of Jesters coat, very carefully with his mandibles and brought her round, dangling in front of the cave wall as she complained about wanting to be on his back. He clicked at her jokingly. Fjord clambered up and Caleb gave a testing movement, making sure he was on properly.

He wasn’t. He gave a harder grasp now. They’d both be safe.

He looked at the others who were in the anti-life shell and noticed Veth had already set off, cheater.

A little while in she whispered they’re overtaking her and he clicked again happily.

Jester grinned, this was why he’d brought her off. He needed a look out for the race and with Fjord’s yelling there would have been no way on that side. All 8 legs sped up quickly and happily up the cave wall. 

She laughed and encouraged him and slowly it seemed to calm Fjord. By the end he was in with the encouragement.

It was close but they won, although it took a little while to lay Jester on the floor safely and get Fjord off his back. The little mischief that Caleb could swear was Arti encouraged him to just drop form and give both of his friends a funny shock but he knew he had more to go and as soon as the form would drop he’d not think it was a good idea. 

He clicked twice to the three of them and headed back down, grabbing the lesbians, then Caduceus.

He teased Fjord and Yasha gave him scratches and he felt what had happened relax away from his bones a little. 

When he was finished, he sighed as he came out of polymorph, “The only time I’m strong and I’m running track. It’s exhausting doing laps.”

He stretched feeling his bones relax slowly and the rest laughed, he allowed himself a smile.

-

He could tell everyone felt many shades of weird seeing the body of Mollymauk with the soul of Nonagon and everything he wanted was to go and reassure them all, Jester especially.

But as he headed up he turned around to whisper to Jester, his fun as a spider giving him the confidence to continue putting himself out there he saw she wasn’t there.

He looked down to see Jester held back by Fjord back a moment and talking. It felt like invading privacy so pretended he saw nothing, diverging attention by talking about dinner for the night and preparing pre-dinner hot chocolates.

His heart felt like it was breaking and a quiet sigh only Yasha noticed seemed to notice. He gave a small smile, she nodded. For a second he wondered if it was right, continuing to put himself out there, to allow himself to. 

He didn’t deserve her and there was something between Jester and Fjord, he was moving forward towards her in heart. Who was he to get in the way of that? That was far from his intention. He settled into the chair and drank a hot chocolate that was still a little too hot. He placed it down and made note to not pick it up a moment. When Jester had been crushing at her largest and Fjord had slept with Avantika, he had been angry and more than a little jealous. Though he understood what had all gone on there and it was so mixed up, he knew now a lot better and just saw it as embarrassing through everyone’s eyes. They had grown together a lot more and all approaches had seemed unwise.

Fjord obviously deserved another chance but it wasn’t up to him if Jester had moved on. It wasn’t up to Caleb if she didn’t like him. It was up to him to allow her to have her own choice in the matter though. Just because he was scared didn’t mean she was or wasn’t leaving clues that she felt something for a ginger haired fool like him.

If that feeling was a deeper friendship than they had now, he’d treasure it as he treasured their friendship. If more than he’d persuade himself to be dreaming but…

The Jester he knew and loved so deeply even if she didn’t want him, she would encourage him following his feelings; if he confessed or gave enough clues and that wasn’t what she wanted she would say so but would praise him for allowing himself to do those things, feel those things and their friendship he treasured so profoundly would stay intact. If it was Fjord or Beau or anyone she wanted, he would be happy for her and leave his feelings to drift off to sea. If she wanted no one, not now maybe not ever, the subject would never be arose again, he would respect her wishes and admire from afar how she had travelled and changed and leave his feelings to drift off to the skies. If she did want him… The thought was scary to encourage. If she did want him, he would do everything in his power to make her choice the right choice. 

Instinct would insist him to sabotage himself, pull away, know he wasn’t worthy. He thought of her reading against him, beaming to Der Katzenprinz. His heart wouldn’t allow the sabotage. If he wasn’t her choice so be it; if he was her choice, she’d never fake a smile again if she didn’t want to.

His eyes found her immediately as she landed. Fjord shortly after, talking about racing to the top. He had some of his hot chocolate, hiding any expression behind his drinking. She looked flustered, confused but not unhappy, in fact, quite happy, her hand around his anti-scrying necklace, switched from Fjord to Jester – smart idea – and looking at Fjord. He smiled into his cup.

It might hurt but the woman who owned his heart had such a big heart, what else could he do other than watch her clear her own path through her life and world. It was so awe-inspiring to see after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think Fjord hasn't had the time to consider that other people liking Jester but Caleb's so far gone that just seeing her happy with anyone brings him so much joy so I kinda wanted to work off this part since it played into the premise of the story like self-esteem issues meet putting yourself out there meet contest - i think earlier it would cause like a back down or like a i'm sad-jealous but i kinda hope with his growing it would be his turning point of 'i would be fine but why would i not allow someone so wonderful and amazing decide whether i am worthy of her friendship or even her love, she knows me enough now'


	4. Always Too Late

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Spoilers for 118

Caleb was going down to Jester’s door. He had to check if she was okay. She just lost half a decade, of course she wasn’t okay. 

He had stayed there in wait, waiting to attack whatever got her.

Then it became clear it was inside her. There had been nothing any of them could have done. He had wanted to reassure Fjord when he saw his expression drop but they had to wait.

There were voices behind the door. He was gonna walk away or fly would be the better word when he heard Fjord’s voice, “Can I kiss you?”

Followed by Jester’s happy, almost squeaked mmhmm. He pressed his forehead to the wood of the door and felt the ache in his chest and the happiness for his friends. He knew better, of course he had, he’d been punishing himself to believe. No, that wasn’t true. He had hoped because she was so wonderful to him, because he had fallen - but he would be okay. She deserved the world and he was sure, he was hoping amongst hope, Fjord would stop at nothing to give it to her.

He would still have to check with her later, she weaved through everyone like thread but she would admit she was not okay. He’d tell her he could do it. Maybe a long time from now he would even tell them both the truth.

It was fine. He heard their kiss and realised he was still by the door and backed up. This was their moment, he hadn’t meant to intrude. He was about to head to his room when he thought on something and floated down. He closed the floor quietly above him as he made his way to a lower level and barely audible knocked on Yasha’s door.

The hot tears brimmed his eyes and he wiped them away. Yasha opened the door.

“I was hoping you’d come round, Bea… Caleb, are you okay?”

“Sorry, am I interrupting?”

“Not at all, come in.” She ushered him in and closed the door behind him and they stayed very still in the hall. She was waiting for him to talk.

“I’ve got a secret, but you can’t tell. Not even Beau.”

“I can give you a week. I don’t want to lie to her.”

“Okay…” He sighed, “I was always going to be too late.”

A quivering smile and sigh escaped him and tears filled his eyes once more, he closed them to stop the tears from falling but before he opened them again she had crushed him into a hug. Caleb never usually reacted, reciprocated – wanted to remove himself from the action. He squeezed her tightly and cried quietly. Not for long though and soon he was recovered, standing to his full height. 

She gave a sad smile, grasped his wrist and walked him…past the couch… and the room. Until they got to her bedroom and she laid up, her hands crossed behind her bed and indicated him to get on beside her.

Caleb was dumbfounded at least but slowly and reluctantly got on, they both looked up at the ceiling. He was out of tears fairly quickly.

“I’m sorry if I gave you false hope.”

“No, no. I think I needed this.”

“You didn’t need to get crushed.”

“But I needed to put myself out there.”

“Really? You agree?”

“I do.”

“What happened?”

“They kissed. I didn’t mean to hear. I just wanted to check…on her.”

“I’m sure.” She answered, sincerely. There was no response to that, quiet between them for a while before she decided to tell him her secret, “I put myself out there.”

“Yeah?”

“I wrote her a poem. I handed it to her a couple of days ago now.”

“And…?”

“Nothing. She said some lovely things when I handed it to her. But I’m waiting now. That’s okay.”

“She’d be lucky to have you.”

“She would have been lucky to have you too.”

“Psssh…I’m working on that idea. But I appreciate the sentiment.”

“Good. Because it is true.” She paused, “Are you okay, Caleb?”

“No.” He answered honestly and was glad of it, “But I will be. I …”

“What?”

“My heart is breaking, I can feel it. It hurts so damn much. But I’m not mad. I love you all so much. I love Fjord and Jester so damn much. I can’t be anything but happy for them. I think I must be a better person because I do, I feel so happy for them and I’m not mad. But I’m a little mad that I’m not mad, ja?”

“Theraputic to feel spite and hatred, yes. Yes, I know that well.”

“Exactly. Without the anger there to mask it I just feel…”

“Yes?”

“Like a fool. But I’d do nothing different. I think it’s impossible for me to have not fallen for her. And you have all, and this feeling, it all… helped me, become, more who I was supposed to. It just, wasn’t in the cards.” His eyes too dry now, he rubbed them and sighed but looked at Yasha with a broken smile.

“Well then, maybe that is what it was supposed to do.” She looked at him with a sombre expression but a small smile on her face.

“You’re not supposed to believe in fate.”

“Mm, yes. And still…”

“You’re right.” He sat up and sighed, “Want to play snap?”

She nodded, “Okay. Yes. Congratulations to them both are in order in… A week. And if they haven’t brought it up, I’m allowed to tell Beau.”

“Yep. Although, if they haven’t said in a week I’ll be telling them both off.”

They both stood up, two friends with eggshell hearts and warm souls, into Yasha’s living room to find a deck of cards on her table stand. Though his heart sat in shatters in front of Jester’s door he found he was no longer mad that he wasn’t mad. Just an ache in his chest and joy for his friends and a half-formed plan to confront Beau on her leaving Yasha waiting when it took him two looks to know how they both felt.

Yasha sat beside him for breakfast the next morning and though she ate bugs all the way he was glad for the emotional support. When nothing was mentioned his lips quirked downwards but he had to wait, it wasn’t his news to tell. 

There were much more immediate things to think about, like how freezing it was outside.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sure it will come up eventually and while I'm a multishipper and watching travis rp brings me boundless joy my mind was like I can't wait till Caleb finds out because apparently I'm after a death of a thousand cuts heheh


	5. Distractions in the Eyeline

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Spoilers for 119  
> A short one, yes. Hours before 120, yes.  
> Regrets, none.
> 
> Hope you like :D

How was he supposed to be okay? 

A giant demon baby was in front of them, about to kill them all and Jester’s duplicate hit the thing so hard the room practically shook. He damn near stopped breathing for a moment. Gods, she was so, so pretty when she beat things up. That was unfair she was pretty all the time. He shot her a smile and she reciprocated, she glanced around everyone in the room. 

Oh yeah, he was living in a world where he knew that happened but wasn’t supposed to know yet.

Wait how come people keep getting eaten by the monstrosity baby?

He was going to lose his damn minds when they were out of here. True he had discussed it that he no longer wanted to be leader, that did not mean throw yourself into a giant acidic stomach. 

What The Hell Was This Place?

After a long times, many hits and a few people going inside and outside the baby Caduceus drained the thing and Caleb had to blink. He thought about if Caduceus ever truly lost his temper what would happen and immediately decided he was no longer going to think about that.

Especially since a second member of the Cerberus Assembly had been found dead.

It really interfered with his and Beau’s mild worrying they hadn’t done enough. Less than a month ago if you had asked him if the Cerberus Assembly were unkillable he wouldn’t have hesitated. Of course they were. Ridiculously strong and even more so strong willed. Yet within a week, two were dead. Jester had said he could take down Astrid and Eadwulf if he really wanted, at the time he thought she was being far too nice. Now, he wondered. He knew Veth knew exactly what he was thinking and considering what Vess had done to her husband she was more than happy to make them all pay. He had to carefully toe that line. First and foremost, The Mighty Nein were in everything together, he knew now if he asked them to fight they would. Just like he would for any of them. He and Fjord, wondered what the hell the things in jars were while Yasha shouted responses to Veth’s whispers. He tried to hold it together because things were serious but he found a smile more naturally on his face than his stoic neutrality. Both of them shook their heads with a laugh but tried to remain quiet because this wasn’t the time to wake up an entire lab. 

He wondered how long it had been like that. That joy was more natural than anything else. Because this group were his home - Something moved in the jar, never mind think about everything else another time.  
He was setting up an alarm, coming up a plan of escape and trying not to panic that what was in this lab was about to kill him while his back was turned, when he heard Jester ask for his help. He sighed, spell still going and grumbled. Even when he was grumpy and reluctant to her when they first met and argued all the time he liked doing things for her because she was more than happy to credit his achievements and he wasn’t used to that. But now really wasn’t the time, he knew she likely hadn’t thought about it because she seemed to fuss over anyone –besides herself- spreading themselves too thin. The grumbling carried and she apologised and then he heard a crack and saw the shades of a ‘rave-light’ as Beau called it. He sighed and he heard her laugh. 

It would be so, so much easier when they told everyone, including him, that Fjord and Jester are an item now.

It would help him be over her, right?

He doubted it was possible.

At least it would keep him from wanting to making his way over to her and hold her tight. He knew that was true, before there had been times when he was jealous but now when he saw Fjord going to Jester it just made him proud. He just needed to keep his emotions in check until they were like that once more.

The spell finished and more stuff moved. He really should stop being so distracted.

He flew past her as an owl as they discussed what to do and she mentioned she should be, so he took the rest one by one only to find her still at the top and grumbling herself when he had finished with the rest, flapping his wings extra hard as a way of telling her off. She looked unfussed by his flaps and got on his back. He rocked her a little on his back to give her a little spook, finally she began enjoying herself.

He went back up and rested, his eyes on the lovely group. He noticed her looking for him and cocked his giant owl head.

Did she even realise that she kept doing that for him?

**Author's Note:**

> So this was gonna be a one-shot of just cold cuteness and then him reading to her but it's outgrown its parameters and I'm glad so if they don't read the story next episode it's going in if they do i'll be throwing it in around that. I'm gonna work this story around the cold exploration - not too long I don't think but I think the story will decide itself. But in the meantime, I hope you like.


End file.
